Monday, March 06, 2006
My Vegetable Garden
It was by accident that I discovered my mom's vegetable drawer in the fridge. I did not give two whits about cooking. I went in there prowling around, looking for the thing with the perfect shape that would turn the trick.
What inner prompting led me there? How did I know what to do with the damn thing? No one had told me anything, I somehow pieced it together on my own. Through my reading (I continually had books jammed against my nose at this time) and my own bodily feelings, I had come to the conclusion that I wanted something up my vagina. And hurry it up, dammit.
I discovered the zucchini. The perfect instrument of impalement for a young lass of 12 or so. No one told me what to do with the damned thing. I somehow figured that out on my own. Some instinct told me, it belongs right HERE.
Before I discovered the zucchini, I had experimented with other "objets d'art." One afternoon I deprived my parakeet of his water tube. It was so long and shapely, and I discovered I could heat it up first by filling it with hot water. He wouldn't miss it for a few minutes or so. And if he did, well, tough. Yet another item for yet another male to get over.
I tried bananas too, they had a softness that felt good, but more often than not they would split open. Retrieving banana goo from your innards can be a hassle. No fooling! So I was happy to tumble on to the crisp firmness of the zucchini. I could put it in a glass of warm water and away I went.
The new "toys" brought new situations into my fevered little pre-pubescent brain. When I was on my back with the zucchini, I definitely visualized myself as a female, no doubt, and I loved every minute of it. I was accompanied in my dreams here by a variety of male people. "Group sex" was probably forming too in my head. It was all so easy.
But I discovered I also liked having the zucchini inside me as I lay down on top of it, and most definitely then I felt myself as a male. It was powerful. It was fascinating. And the "people" I was on top of were women people.
I liked where my head was at, although sometimes I wished my feelings to jack myself off were not so intense. I loved school, and now it was interfered with sometimes by these new thoughts. I would sit in history or English classes, my favorites, and start fantasizing about what fun I would have at home if only this damn class would end already(!)
Given the great time I was having with my new "homework," I naturally assumed every other girl out there was doing exactly as I did. Penetrating themselves with the world of objects. Such of course was not the case. I found this out much later, starting with my middle sister. To my amazement, I learned she did not even THINK about touching herself, with fingers, until she was 18. That was when her periods started. Mine started much sooner, at 12. While this annoyed me no end, I also realized my sex drive probably kicked in much sooner too. That was a good thing.
By the time I left home for good and headed for Europe at 21, I felt I knew my own body rather well. Even though I was still a virgin in not having been to bed with a man, I suppose technically speaking I no longer was. I never had the pain or unpleasantness that so many women seem to have with their first times.
That's also when it dawned on me that I was rather different from other women. They waited for the men to deflower them. I took the bull by the horns and did it myself.
And having done that, I knew that men were out there, somewhere, and more experiences were coming. As it were.
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