Monday, May 01, 2006
Going Out With "B" (Part 4)
So my lovely weekend on the Russian River has run afoul of feminine mischief, mystique, mayhem. Whatever. B tells me she does not want to continue down the path of having a sexual relationship with me. This in spite of her having initiated our encounters together. She tells me all this in an email the next morning. I am quite stunned. What on earth has brought this about?
With men, there is a certain logic. Because men seem so far more eager to have sex, when they do get it they seem to be realistic about life. They had a good time, they want more. That's logical. But with women it seems that the introduction of sex brings a certain chaos that clouds the sensuality and ushers in a certain confusion. A lovely weekend seems obscured by the things roaming around in B's brain.
I attempt to find out more. Now B claims she just wants to be "friends." I find this very hard to swallow. Why did you lead me on then, I ask. She is sorry about that, she realized too late that she is not into "casual sex."
Casual sex. Hhmm. So that's the problem, eh? What do people mean by that? My friend N in L.A. says that since I am already in a primary relationship with someone, anyone else I have sex with is going to be necessarily "casual." My take on the term is more emotional: in no way do I have a casual attitude at all about sex with women. It is such an unusual thing for me that when I do run across it I am anything but casual about it.
And besides, I tell B. She is still living with her ex, I was making no demands at all on her about that, and it still made no difference to her.
My feeling is that B had two lovely encounters with me, she had a good time, and what's more she KNOWS she had a good time. But now she wants to go. Or to at least "just be friends."
How do they switch the tap on and off like that? I used to think that men did this a lot, but actually women do too. And I just happened to tumble onto my second woman in six months who pulled the same stunt on me. That's really what rankled in all of this event with B, the fact that my judgment was being called into question here. Why did I end up picking two women who reacted to me pretty much the same way?
On the one hand, I thought both would be happy that I was not going to move in with them anytime soon. Both women seemed independent and preoccupied with things in their own lives that they did not need all this. Cool. Both of them said they were not bothered by my being bi, or being partnered with a man. That also seemed true to me at the time.
But obviously something changed. Maybe B got in over her head. That stuff happens. I just wanted her to acknowledge it truthfully. She tried, but it was difficult for her. And B is in therapy, so she has no doubt learned some skills at communicating this stuff by now.
I ran into women who, ultimately, did not really know their own minds and desires, after all. Shit happens. I am very disappointed. I had good times with B; I wanted more. She opened the door to sex taking place; then she wanted to close it.
In a moment of anger apparently, I write to B that she's just a fucked up Catholic girl after all, and that's too bad. Later I regret that. I ask her via email if she can discuss with me her feelings about not wanting sex. But I never hear back from B. The Catholic comment was a mistake. And clearly B did have issues regarding her partner, she did not want her finding out we had been together. Why I don't know, since B had claimed there was no problem there.
I understand now why (some) men want to kill us. I would too. Sometimes.
- - - - - -
With men, there is a certain logic. Because men seem so far more eager to have sex, when they do get it they seem to be realistic about life. They had a good time, they want more. That's logical. But with women it seems that the introduction of sex brings a certain chaos that clouds the sensuality and ushers in a certain confusion. A lovely weekend seems obscured by the things roaming around in B's brain.
I attempt to find out more. Now B claims she just wants to be "friends." I find this very hard to swallow. Why did you lead me on then, I ask. She is sorry about that, she realized too late that she is not into "casual sex."
Casual sex. Hhmm. So that's the problem, eh? What do people mean by that? My friend N in L.A. says that since I am already in a primary relationship with someone, anyone else I have sex with is going to be necessarily "casual." My take on the term is more emotional: in no way do I have a casual attitude at all about sex with women. It is such an unusual thing for me that when I do run across it I am anything but casual about it.
And besides, I tell B. She is still living with her ex, I was making no demands at all on her about that, and it still made no difference to her.
My feeling is that B had two lovely encounters with me, she had a good time, and what's more she KNOWS she had a good time. But now she wants to go. Or to at least "just be friends."
How do they switch the tap on and off like that? I used to think that men did this a lot, but actually women do too. And I just happened to tumble onto my second woman in six months who pulled the same stunt on me. That's really what rankled in all of this event with B, the fact that my judgment was being called into question here. Why did I end up picking two women who reacted to me pretty much the same way?
On the one hand, I thought both would be happy that I was not going to move in with them anytime soon. Both women seemed independent and preoccupied with things in their own lives that they did not need all this. Cool. Both of them said they were not bothered by my being bi, or being partnered with a man. That also seemed true to me at the time.
But obviously something changed. Maybe B got in over her head. That stuff happens. I just wanted her to acknowledge it truthfully. She tried, but it was difficult for her. And B is in therapy, so she has no doubt learned some skills at communicating this stuff by now.
I ran into women who, ultimately, did not really know their own minds and desires, after all. Shit happens. I am very disappointed. I had good times with B; I wanted more. She opened the door to sex taking place; then she wanted to close it.
In a moment of anger apparently, I write to B that she's just a fucked up Catholic girl after all, and that's too bad. Later I regret that. I ask her via email if she can discuss with me her feelings about not wanting sex. But I never hear back from B. The Catholic comment was a mistake. And clearly B did have issues regarding her partner, she did not want her finding out we had been together. Why I don't know, since B had claimed there was no problem there.
I understand now why (some) men want to kill us. I would too. Sometimes.
- - - - - -
Comments:
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I've been reading your blog and archives (just discovered it last week). I really enjoy reading about your everyday within polyamory. I'm in a poly foursome and we considered doing a blog, but decided against it... In any case, I'm sorry about B's inability to be more communicative about her needs. Keep me updated :)
# posted by 
: 12:52 PM
: 12:52 PM
Well, are you interested in making it a "six-some?" (LOL) That sounds rather fascinating, just what the doctor ordered (mine anyway). Glad you enjoyed the column, look forward to your future comments, thanks!
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