Monday, May 15, 2006
"J" (Pt.4)
Back in L.A., I slip back into daily life but find myself thinking a lot of J in Berkeley. We correspond a bit via emails, I wax enthusiastically over how much I like her, and enjoyed the weekend together. This is a little too much enthusiasm for J, I pick up the sense that enthusiasm may equal entrapment in her world. We appear to overcome this momentary hurdle.
Around six weeks later, we plan another rendezvous. J's friend has a cabin in the foothills of the western Sierras, and we make plans to meet there. We pass another great time together. Earlier in this column I had written about the strange blackout I experienced here. It began shortly after J and I started to have sex, almost immediately upon my entering the cabin. Was it altitude? The long drive north? Low blood sugar? Actually, I think I was so looking forward to this meeting that I may have just...blown a fuse, of sorts.
Apparently I missed about two hours of some hot-sounding sex. J told me all about it later. But she was alarmed when she realized I had "checked out." I was alarmed too. This had never happened to me before except once, and that was a traumatic event when I had to rescue my little sister from our family swimming pool. I pulled her out, but my mind just completely blanked on the entire episode. Good to know one can still function in those situations!
But J may have been alarmed by my strange "departure." Wouldn't I be if the roles were reversed? I might wonder about the mental make-up of the person. But in the moment we had another great time. Even if I couldn't remember it. J tells me I was sucking her clit at one point and inserting several fingers inside of her. Then I rode the dildo again, with J on the bottom.
"For a dyke, I'm really into penetration, aren't I?" jokes J. This is the first woman who has shown me that compelling sex does not happen only between men and women. But I am aware that J handles me almost like a man would. Very definite. She is a good mix of male and female qualities, as I feel I am.
We have some lovely, quiet moments in the cabin that weekend. At one point we hug each other out of the blue, and I feel the emotion well up in me, and hear myself saying, "I don't want to move in with you, J, I don't even have to live in the same city. But I know I want you in my life, for as long as I am around."
I remember holding her then, and J seemed to grow very still as she took in the words. Then she spoke slowly, "Well, I don't know if I can make any promises," or something close to that. Was she annoyed? Did she feel encroached upon? I felt I have made it clear that, while I really like her, my life was with a male, basically, but that when I was with a woman I want to be fully and intensely involved with her. Unfortunately I am getting the message a little that a surfeit of emotion may not be wisest here. It bothers me that I can't show more of my true feelings. This is not why I wanted to hook up with other women, just to hide my feelings.
And yet...we are having such a lovely time together. We spend an afternoon hanging out in the large hammock, suspended over the deck outside the cabin. It feels lovely and connected, no need to do or say anything special, or be anything in particular. My partner Dave is on the road working on the east coast, and I am here in this hammock, somewhere east of Visalia, in the foothills of the Sierras, with a woman I really want to continue hanging out with.
TO BE CONTINUED
Around six weeks later, we plan another rendezvous. J's friend has a cabin in the foothills of the western Sierras, and we make plans to meet there. We pass another great time together. Earlier in this column I had written about the strange blackout I experienced here. It began shortly after J and I started to have sex, almost immediately upon my entering the cabin. Was it altitude? The long drive north? Low blood sugar? Actually, I think I was so looking forward to this meeting that I may have just...blown a fuse, of sorts.
Apparently I missed about two hours of some hot-sounding sex. J told me all about it later. But she was alarmed when she realized I had "checked out." I was alarmed too. This had never happened to me before except once, and that was a traumatic event when I had to rescue my little sister from our family swimming pool. I pulled her out, but my mind just completely blanked on the entire episode. Good to know one can still function in those situations!
But J may have been alarmed by my strange "departure." Wouldn't I be if the roles were reversed? I might wonder about the mental make-up of the person. But in the moment we had another great time. Even if I couldn't remember it. J tells me I was sucking her clit at one point and inserting several fingers inside of her. Then I rode the dildo again, with J on the bottom.
"For a dyke, I'm really into penetration, aren't I?" jokes J. This is the first woman who has shown me that compelling sex does not happen only between men and women. But I am aware that J handles me almost like a man would. Very definite. She is a good mix of male and female qualities, as I feel I am.
We have some lovely, quiet moments in the cabin that weekend. At one point we hug each other out of the blue, and I feel the emotion well up in me, and hear myself saying, "I don't want to move in with you, J, I don't even have to live in the same city. But I know I want you in my life, for as long as I am around."
I remember holding her then, and J seemed to grow very still as she took in the words. Then she spoke slowly, "Well, I don't know if I can make any promises," or something close to that. Was she annoyed? Did she feel encroached upon? I felt I have made it clear that, while I really like her, my life was with a male, basically, but that when I was with a woman I want to be fully and intensely involved with her. Unfortunately I am getting the message a little that a surfeit of emotion may not be wisest here. It bothers me that I can't show more of my true feelings. This is not why I wanted to hook up with other women, just to hide my feelings.
And yet...we are having such a lovely time together. We spend an afternoon hanging out in the large hammock, suspended over the deck outside the cabin. It feels lovely and connected, no need to do or say anything special, or be anything in particular. My partner Dave is on the road working on the east coast, and I am here in this hammock, somewhere east of Visalia, in the foothills of the Sierras, with a woman I really want to continue hanging out with.
TO BE CONTINUED
