Thursday, May 18, 2006
"J" (Pt.5)
A number of weeks go by, and I hear nothing from my new lover J in Berkeley. I begin to wonder what is going on with her, but I hold my water, at least for a bit. More time passes, I send a couple of emails, and then decide to phone her one night long distance. I am very hesitant to do this, but on the other hand, how would I know if anything had happened to her? Then I get an email, basically saying that lots is going on in her life, and it is not good. I knew from before that J's father was approaching Alzheimer's, and the family was looking for a place that could care for him properly. This caused a load of worry for J, who was very attached to her family. She is one of those strange creatures, a real San Francisco native, born and bred there. I also knew that J's job was in jeopardy, the only job she had ever had since graduating from Berkeley. She worked for a travel agency. Well, more than just a travel agency - they plan the entire trip for you, beyond just tickets and the usual. J loved her job, and her boss, an older woman who had grown quite fond of J.
So, it seems I have caught J in the midst of all this happening. I have the sinking feeling too that she is not wanting to continue our relationship. But she seems to be talking around it. Then we finally manage to arrange another meeting, when J flies down to visit her sister in Los Angeles. I am assuming that J will stay with me at least one night, but even that is not to be. Seems I have made assumptions I should not. J does come by, my partner Dave is on the road at this point in time, but J does get to meet my two black cats. With six front toes. She enjoys a pasta dinner I have cooked for us, and we talk.
But J had not planned on staying the night. I feel rather foolish. She is staying with her sister down the coast. We lay plans to get together the following day. J wants to go visit the new Getty Museum in the Sepulveda pass area of west Los Angeles. Now, the Getty figures in our history together. My personal ad talked about hanging out with an equally useless, sarcastic woman, "lolling about" on the lawns of the Getty. J loved the comment, and always remembered it.
"Well isn't it time we lolled about on the lawns of the Getty?" she said, so off to the Getty we went. J has her sister's snazzy red convertible on loan for the day. The top is down, and I can't help thinking: we must make an interesting female couple tooling about in that thing. We do the museum ticket, then drive back to my place and talk some more.
Somehow, we are not going to the heart of the matter, yet the moment feels like we are wrapping things up. Later, looking back on this encounter, I see it as J trying to find a graceful way down off the mountain. I am an interesting person for her to deal with, but apparently I arrived at the wrong time, wrong place sort of thing.
"I want to encourage you to explore further with other women," J says. I appreciate her consideration. She does like me a lot. But I wish she could be more direct. I am left wondering. What is going on, really?
We hug for a final time. I never see J again. I believe I wrote to her again, but the email back from her makes it clear now. "I just didn't see that this could go anywhere," I remember she wrote. "This" being the two of us, the implication being that, since I am already partnered with Dave, J is feeling there would be no room for her anyway. So maybe just as well we both move along.
I am puzzled, baffled, lost in the sauce. And feeling terribly disappointed. Alright, so the woman has problems in her life. I find sometimes that those are the times when I want sex the most. J does not seem to respond that way. She has a full plate, and as she explained, her energies need to go into dealing with major life issues, like her job, and her family.
"I know that sounds strange, considering how I was climbing all over you the last time in the cabin," says J with a rueful smile. I recall very well how she was climbing all over me. But now J wants to move on, into an uncertain future. I have to let her go.
Dave understands how forlorn I feel. He doesn't get it either. Women are strange, we both concur. He supports me as best he can, which is pretty good. But it takes me a while to get over the hurt of losing a woman of the quality of J.
But apparently, we could not go places as a couple because my primary relationship is with a guy. And on top of that, her own turmoil precluded J having any sexual relationships at this point in time.
It's been two years now this past April since I met J. She remains a compelling figure for me in my search for a woman, because she was so close to what I feel I want and need. Educated, athletic, outdoorsy, emotionally sensitive, great sense of humor and she got mine too. She handled me, physically, like a man. Something very definite. Not that she was heavily into identifying as butch, but J had both energies going on. Physically, J opened up a world of possibilities to me for how women could be together. I liked that part of our connection a lot. It really showed me things. If for nothing else, I am very grateful she ushered that new physicality into my life.
Women like this don't grow on trees, I discover. But somewhere, in my little personal garden of Eden, there are women like this out there for me.
The hunt goes on.
TO BE CONTINUED
So, it seems I have caught J in the midst of all this happening. I have the sinking feeling too that she is not wanting to continue our relationship. But she seems to be talking around it. Then we finally manage to arrange another meeting, when J flies down to visit her sister in Los Angeles. I am assuming that J will stay with me at least one night, but even that is not to be. Seems I have made assumptions I should not. J does come by, my partner Dave is on the road at this point in time, but J does get to meet my two black cats. With six front toes. She enjoys a pasta dinner I have cooked for us, and we talk.
But J had not planned on staying the night. I feel rather foolish. She is staying with her sister down the coast. We lay plans to get together the following day. J wants to go visit the new Getty Museum in the Sepulveda pass area of west Los Angeles. Now, the Getty figures in our history together. My personal ad talked about hanging out with an equally useless, sarcastic woman, "lolling about" on the lawns of the Getty. J loved the comment, and always remembered it.
"Well isn't it time we lolled about on the lawns of the Getty?" she said, so off to the Getty we went. J has her sister's snazzy red convertible on loan for the day. The top is down, and I can't help thinking: we must make an interesting female couple tooling about in that thing. We do the museum ticket, then drive back to my place and talk some more.
Somehow, we are not going to the heart of the matter, yet the moment feels like we are wrapping things up. Later, looking back on this encounter, I see it as J trying to find a graceful way down off the mountain. I am an interesting person for her to deal with, but apparently I arrived at the wrong time, wrong place sort of thing.
"I want to encourage you to explore further with other women," J says. I appreciate her consideration. She does like me a lot. But I wish she could be more direct. I am left wondering. What is going on, really?
We hug for a final time. I never see J again. I believe I wrote to her again, but the email back from her makes it clear now. "I just didn't see that this could go anywhere," I remember she wrote. "This" being the two of us, the implication being that, since I am already partnered with Dave, J is feeling there would be no room for her anyway. So maybe just as well we both move along.
I am puzzled, baffled, lost in the sauce. And feeling terribly disappointed. Alright, so the woman has problems in her life. I find sometimes that those are the times when I want sex the most. J does not seem to respond that way. She has a full plate, and as she explained, her energies need to go into dealing with major life issues, like her job, and her family.
"I know that sounds strange, considering how I was climbing all over you the last time in the cabin," says J with a rueful smile. I recall very well how she was climbing all over me. But now J wants to move on, into an uncertain future. I have to let her go.
Dave understands how forlorn I feel. He doesn't get it either. Women are strange, we both concur. He supports me as best he can, which is pretty good. But it takes me a while to get over the hurt of losing a woman of the quality of J.
But apparently, we could not go places as a couple because my primary relationship is with a guy. And on top of that, her own turmoil precluded J having any sexual relationships at this point in time.
It's been two years now this past April since I met J. She remains a compelling figure for me in my search for a woman, because she was so close to what I feel I want and need. Educated, athletic, outdoorsy, emotionally sensitive, great sense of humor and she got mine too. She handled me, physically, like a man. Something very definite. Not that she was heavily into identifying as butch, but J had both energies going on. Physically, J opened up a world of possibilities to me for how women could be together. I liked that part of our connection a lot. It really showed me things. If for nothing else, I am very grateful she ushered that new physicality into my life.
Women like this don't grow on trees, I discover. But somewhere, in my little personal garden of Eden, there are women like this out there for me.
The hunt goes on.
TO BE CONTINUED
