Monday, May 22, 2006
"J" (Pt.6)
My mind still plays over my ex female lover, J, in Berkeley. I am trying to analyze how and why we got together, what could have been worked better if I had the chance. J knew I had a male partner, I was very open about that, and she seemed very able to deal with that. One moment she even commented to me, "You speak of your partner with so much respect and liking," she said to me one night, speaking very slowly, weighing what she was saying. She got it, I decided. And she was OK that I had a male in my life. It blew me away, frankly. How many gay women are EVER going to say that about a bi woman and her male partner? J took it exactly the way I had hoped she would: the fact I play fairly with him should suggest I can do the same with a woman.
But in the end, when we parted, J made the comment, "I don't know where this can go." Maybe J realized how difficult it was
to be in a polyamorous situation, for her at least. She thought she could do it, perhaps, but when push came to shove she could not. Maybe it looked too complicated after all.
So, how did I anticipate our relationship proceeding, if it had been able to proceed? I had written to J that I visualized us getting together every six weeks or so, or whenever the mood struck us, meeting someplace between L.A. and San Francisco, enjoying more lovely weekends together, then going back to our respective lives. Like "Same Time Next Year." I could see us doing at least a year of rendezvous like that, enjoying each other's company in romantic places, but without getting caught up in the stuff of each other's life. This seemed very conceivable, in my book. After a year, we could reevaluate where we felt we were, and where we wanted to go from here. Or some such thing. Anyway, that was my rough plan.
I am also remembering another thing J mentioned. There was a woman she had always wanted to be with, but had never been able to approach. "I just felt there was no hope," J told me. It seemed too impossible. But in her dealings with me, I think the impulse to approach this mystery woman hit J with some force. Our two encounters seemed to embolden her. I have a feeling that after J and I parted, J would try to approach this person. Who knows, they may have pulled it off. It makes me feel kind of lousy though. I mean, I didn't want to meet a woman and fire her up a bit only to see her go off to someone else. But wasn't I doing that too with my partner Dave? Sauce for the goose etcetera, as they say.
Maybe we all want what we can't have. But when we get it, we may not want it after all. Women are funny that way.
J told me another story that my mind locked around. As part of her job, she got a lot of travel perks. One of them involved a cruise on a yacht in the Mediterranean with four other women. Four other gay women. Wow, I said to J, how cool is that? My mind was eagerly racing, my thoughts went something like this: alone for a week on a large yacht, with women who are cool and friendly and gay, and all you have to do is sunbathe, eat, sleep, swim, more sunbathing and...and...lots of fucking, yes?
Well, no, actually. It seems to have crossed their collective female minds, but they decided not to go there. What's up with that, I asked? I could not for the life of me fathom why they let that opportunity slip by. Weren't they horny? Weren't they in such close quarters that....well, the ladies were tripping over their lustful fantasies? No again. The fallout may have seemed too threatening to them, since they were friends and wanted to stay that way. Gay boys in this position would be balling each other day and night, but the women? They dangle their feet in the water and chat.
Oh well. They needed a troublemaker like me on board. I like to stir pots, pots of all sorts and shapes and colors.
Someone invite me on a cruise, please, and make me the Entertainment Director.
- - - - - -
But in the end, when we parted, J made the comment, "I don't know where this can go." Maybe J realized how difficult it was
to be in a polyamorous situation, for her at least. She thought she could do it, perhaps, but when push came to shove she could not. Maybe it looked too complicated after all.
So, how did I anticipate our relationship proceeding, if it had been able to proceed? I had written to J that I visualized us getting together every six weeks or so, or whenever the mood struck us, meeting someplace between L.A. and San Francisco, enjoying more lovely weekends together, then going back to our respective lives. Like "Same Time Next Year." I could see us doing at least a year of rendezvous like that, enjoying each other's company in romantic places, but without getting caught up in the stuff of each other's life. This seemed very conceivable, in my book. After a year, we could reevaluate where we felt we were, and where we wanted to go from here. Or some such thing. Anyway, that was my rough plan.
I am also remembering another thing J mentioned. There was a woman she had always wanted to be with, but had never been able to approach. "I just felt there was no hope," J told me. It seemed too impossible. But in her dealings with me, I think the impulse to approach this mystery woman hit J with some force. Our two encounters seemed to embolden her. I have a feeling that after J and I parted, J would try to approach this person. Who knows, they may have pulled it off. It makes me feel kind of lousy though. I mean, I didn't want to meet a woman and fire her up a bit only to see her go off to someone else. But wasn't I doing that too with my partner Dave? Sauce for the goose etcetera, as they say.
Maybe we all want what we can't have. But when we get it, we may not want it after all. Women are funny that way.
J told me another story that my mind locked around. As part of her job, she got a lot of travel perks. One of them involved a cruise on a yacht in the Mediterranean with four other women. Four other gay women. Wow, I said to J, how cool is that? My mind was eagerly racing, my thoughts went something like this: alone for a week on a large yacht, with women who are cool and friendly and gay, and all you have to do is sunbathe, eat, sleep, swim, more sunbathing and...and...lots of fucking, yes?
Well, no, actually. It seems to have crossed their collective female minds, but they decided not to go there. What's up with that, I asked? I could not for the life of me fathom why they let that opportunity slip by. Weren't they horny? Weren't they in such close quarters that....well, the ladies were tripping over their lustful fantasies? No again. The fallout may have seemed too threatening to them, since they were friends and wanted to stay that way. Gay boys in this position would be balling each other day and night, but the women? They dangle their feet in the water and chat.
Oh well. They needed a troublemaker like me on board. I like to stir pots, pots of all sorts and shapes and colors.
Someone invite me on a cruise, please, and make me the Entertainment Director.
- - - - - -
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You're not asking for the impossible from the universe, just the very difficult. Most people, no matter how kinky or straight, want emotional dependability with one other person. I don't want to say you're defining a line, but you're tracing a line that runs through you and everyone else. Jealousy is real for most people, and can't be mocked or talked away.
Yes, jealousy is a really big one to get through, no matter what kind of relationship it is. One way to deal with it is to make SURE your various partners get full value when you are together. And it certainly helps if the parties are independent-minded enough to entertain themselves. Happily, I have been doing that for years! Easier said than done of course, but we need to begin somewhere.
Oh, shuffleboard. Well, not my cup of tea, I tend to love (and play) a host of rather more...well, violent activities. I have been told I should avoid conventional cruises, you know, with the bulging buffets and the enforced containment and...the shuffleboard. But the "miscellaneous" cruises, such as my friend was on, now that's a boat ride I am sure I would enjoy(!)
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