Monday, May 29, 2006
Those We Can't Have (Pt.2)
But that may be one of the problems that makes N a difficult person for me to pursue. I am bisexual, and I live with a man. That is usually a complete deal breaker for most women I try to date. Even some of the bi ones prefer that I be "unattached." Well, goddammit, sorry ladies, I ended up with a guy while I was waiting around - and waiting around - for Ms. Right to show up.
In the meantime, I wanted some sex, and I turned to men since they are the one group on the planet who like having lots of sex. Other than gay men of course. I threw my lot in with them. It just was too hard for me to meet women at the time, although I was looking too for them when I met Dave. The guys got there first. Guys tend to do that, I notice.
Then I run into women like N, and I think, what would life have been like if I had met her...what, some twenty years earlier? Somewhere in the back of my mind, I have been a little afraid of running into women I might REALLY like. I feel afraid of some part in me that would just go a bit crazy given the right opportunity. To the point where I would want to jump ship and bail on Dave to run after a woman. I know I have that tendency and it scares me.
When I first met N, she was embroiled with someone almost thirty years younger. Good for her. I knew the lover a bit and she was a nice, sharp girl, a pre-med student. I knew they were embroiled because the first night I met the steering committee I noticed N putting a hand all over her younger friend's backside. She didn't even seem to care whether she was discreet or not. I was both amused ("What do these two need a sex party for?") and jealous (Maybe someday a woman will put her hands all over me like that, I said to myself). My lover J pretty much did that with me. But I had not discovered yet that I wanted N to do the same thing with me someday.
I find after I move north that N and I have developed a really fruitful correspondence. Now that I am safely living out of town, there is a freedom and security I have that allows me to express myself fully with N. My feelings continue to grow for this woman, who eventually reveals that she has broken up with her younger lover. Apparently I had really misread them: I thought the student wanted a more open relationship, when instead it was N who did not want a heavy commitment. Go figure. So maybe it's N who is the polyamorous one, after all. Or maybe there are some deep-seated issues there that prevented her? But I know she has been in at least one rather long term relationship with a woman. Close on 14 years.
Sometimes I find it difficult communicating with N. This happens sometimes in person, and over the phone. I listen carefully to her speech patterns, trying to thread my way through them. Do I hear something of a speech impediment? Sometimes I think there is a blurred quality to her speech. Our email correspondence is heady and intelligent and quite on the mark, but when we have to verbalize things, I sometimes think we are on different pages. Maybe I tiptoe around N too much. And yet she experiences me, at least it appears in person, as a high speed express train. And that may have led me to not see, or choose not to see, the signals N said later she was putting out. It bothered her that I didn't seem to get the message she was not interested.
At first I found this a bit puzzling, I guess in part because her signals did not always feel clear to me. I would feel myself moving one way in my opinion, then in the opposite way. It confused me. I am easily confused. I need so much probably from women that I concede a lot of my power over to them, even before we start interacting in any meaningful way. I feel like I lose my normal rational, objective, evaluative Gemini self. I guess I am trying to see, I need the influence of women but for some reason it has always been very elusive. I so wanted to have good relationships with other women. I asked the universe for oranges. But they gave me apples instead. They gave me a number of stellar male persons who influenced my life, and pretty much convinced me that I was, pretty much, a heterosexual after all, at least in terms of my primary sexual experiences.
Lump it, girl.
When we last saw each other a year ago in L.A., I was aware of being rather shy with her. N happens to be rather reserved emotionally. Moon in Capricorn is not an ideal position for a woman's horoscope. It tends to have a restrictive influence on a woman's feelings. So given my shyness and her reserve, it was an odd encounter. I found myself in the position of trying to draw her out, even as I was drawing myself out too.
What would it be like to be with someone like N? My mind wants to draw a blank part of the time. There's the fear, again. The other part of me salivates at the thought of hanging out with a woman who shares a lot of the things I like. My nature is intense, and when I like someone I like doing lots of stuff with them. The thought of spending time with another woman who is into tennis like I am is a very attractive thought for me.
I mean, we won't be going out at all during a two-week, Grand Slam tennis event. We'll eat, walk and talk tennis non-stop for that time. And of course, watch it! Life as we know it on the planet will practically stand still during this time.
We'll do the jock-tennis thing. I love the thought of it. It's hotter than the thought of hot sex. But if we can work that into the mix too....why....?
TO BE CONTINUED
Legible, but I forgot my password. One of those days. Too much sake.
Reading you is one of the few... well, you know. There are two of us here who would fuck you every way possible.
: 11:32 PM Re the sharing aspect, yes it is lovely to share, but not just anyone. It really needs to be someone you have real interests that are significant to both of you, and you have a certain affinity. A stranger or acquaintance just probably wouldn't cut it. There is not enough history there yet for me to go forward and make an investment. I like history.
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