Monday, June 05, 2006
Summoning the Gods
Last time I was continuing to write about my friend N, who tells me she is doing visualization work with her yoga instructor to call into her life a female partner. I have always been of the opinion that these are useful exercises, and sometimes quite effective. Over the years I have also busied myself with astrology and the Tarot.
Part of me now feels these things reflect something about our need to control our environments. I felt like I did not want to leave anything to chance, so I went looking for certainties. But really, there are none. And there should be none. The universe does not seem to work that way.
If I am going to sit down and visualize a lover, it is going to be someone who probably I should not be involved with anyway. What I am visualizing in other words may have little to do with who might really be appropriate for me. I only think they'll work out. Too much ego talking, perhaps.
I want I want I want. Can't we hope someone can be called into our life in just a general way? Do we need to spell things out in great detail? And if we can't get what our first choice is, so to speak, can we be happy with the second, or even the third?
For instance, I know that my brain could never have programmed Dave, my partner, into my life. I was not capable of visualizing a male other than someone who was a lot like me, with many sporty interests, maybe a yen for lots of foreign places and travel, a love of intellectual things and a passion for films.
When I met Dave I was busy placing personal ads to meet someone who was quite atypical from him. He has told me himself that, had he read one of my ads, calling for a guy who could cycle fifty miles on a bike, he would have said, "Fuck this bitch and the great outdoors and the horse, or bike, she rode in on."
I never would have found him had I persisted in my egomaniacal way of phrasing my personal ads. And yet Dave has turned out to be just exactly what the universe would and should have ordered up for me.
The fact he was bisexual was more than I could have hoped for. It was always in the back of my mind I suppose that a bi person would be the way for me to go. He would "get" my attraction to other women, I felt. And he would grant me permission to pursue those interests, as I would grant him the same rights with other males. So I lucked out in finding a guy who was even more happily bisexual than I was.
I had not necessarily intended to look for a younger man, either, but it worked out that way. Looking at my chart, I can see astrologically that this was certainly in the cards. My 7th House of Partners reveals all: a Gemini sun, indicating a partner who comes to me much later in life (when I was 45), the planet Uranus closely conjunct the sun (indicating highly unusual things about this partnership, and also a fierce measure of independence). Uranus is also the ruling planet of Dave's sign, Aquarius. Mercury is also conjunct in this mix, indicating younger persons. It also indicates a relationship based on communication and mentality.
So, he was there all the time, but I just had to get out of the way and let his train come into the station so to speak.
Maybe this is what I want to tell my friend N in Los Angeles. We rarely get what we want, in exact terms. But like the Stones' song, you do get what you need. It takes some pains to see through the stuff I think I really want, as opposed to finding out what it is I may need. And people seem frightened of their needs. We would all much rather go after the "wants," just because it leads us to think (falsely) that we are in control.
That lovely UPS package we are waiting on from the universe takes its own damn time. And it arrives in ways we might not imagine, in a form we may not be capable of recognizing, or at a time when we think it's bloody inconvenient.
But before we send it back to the manufacturer, maybe we should give it a chance, and be open to what the possibilities are. There may be a real gem waiting for us at the bottom of the soup bowl.
- - - - -
Part of me now feels these things reflect something about our need to control our environments. I felt like I did not want to leave anything to chance, so I went looking for certainties. But really, there are none. And there should be none. The universe does not seem to work that way.
If I am going to sit down and visualize a lover, it is going to be someone who probably I should not be involved with anyway. What I am visualizing in other words may have little to do with who might really be appropriate for me. I only think they'll work out. Too much ego talking, perhaps.
I want I want I want. Can't we hope someone can be called into our life in just a general way? Do we need to spell things out in great detail? And if we can't get what our first choice is, so to speak, can we be happy with the second, or even the third?
For instance, I know that my brain could never have programmed Dave, my partner, into my life. I was not capable of visualizing a male other than someone who was a lot like me, with many sporty interests, maybe a yen for lots of foreign places and travel, a love of intellectual things and a passion for films.
When I met Dave I was busy placing personal ads to meet someone who was quite atypical from him. He has told me himself that, had he read one of my ads, calling for a guy who could cycle fifty miles on a bike, he would have said, "Fuck this bitch and the great outdoors and the horse, or bike, she rode in on."
I never would have found him had I persisted in my egomaniacal way of phrasing my personal ads. And yet Dave has turned out to be just exactly what the universe would and should have ordered up for me.
The fact he was bisexual was more than I could have hoped for. It was always in the back of my mind I suppose that a bi person would be the way for me to go. He would "get" my attraction to other women, I felt. And he would grant me permission to pursue those interests, as I would grant him the same rights with other males. So I lucked out in finding a guy who was even more happily bisexual than I was.
I had not necessarily intended to look for a younger man, either, but it worked out that way. Looking at my chart, I can see astrologically that this was certainly in the cards. My 7th House of Partners reveals all: a Gemini sun, indicating a partner who comes to me much later in life (when I was 45), the planet Uranus closely conjunct the sun (indicating highly unusual things about this partnership, and also a fierce measure of independence). Uranus is also the ruling planet of Dave's sign, Aquarius. Mercury is also conjunct in this mix, indicating younger persons. It also indicates a relationship based on communication and mentality.
So, he was there all the time, but I just had to get out of the way and let his train come into the station so to speak.
Maybe this is what I want to tell my friend N in Los Angeles. We rarely get what we want, in exact terms. But like the Stones' song, you do get what you need. It takes some pains to see through the stuff I think I really want, as opposed to finding out what it is I may need. And people seem frightened of their needs. We would all much rather go after the "wants," just because it leads us to think (falsely) that we are in control.
That lovely UPS package we are waiting on from the universe takes its own damn time. And it arrives in ways we might not imagine, in a form we may not be capable of recognizing, or at a time when we think it's bloody inconvenient.
But before we send it back to the manufacturer, maybe we should give it a chance, and be open to what the possibilities are. There may be a real gem waiting for us at the bottom of the soup bowl.
- - - - -
