Monday, July 10, 2006
Liz (Pt.2)
My first weekend with my new lover Liz felt very harmonious and complete to me, at least on first glance. Even though it was a gloomy weekend weather-wise and the house seemed filled with the presence of her younger long-term partner, who was away with her son for the weekend. I was positively basking in the glow of feeling I was loved and wanted by Liz. The path to our being together seemed clear and secure and inviting. But what exactly did that mean, and what would it all look like? I had no idea, and I should have. It got me into trouble being so naive. I was dealing with my own sex but for all I knew I could have been wandering around the surface of Mars.
Then the other shoe dropped, at least in my own mind. As the week progressed at work and I began encountering Liz in my daily tasks at the hospital, I found my mind wanting to make a complete U-turn. Was I getting cold feet? Did something happen to change my mind about my feelings for Liz? Nothing had occurred for me to feel that way, and yet I could feel a strong urge building inside me to want to get away as fast as possible. I had no idea what this was all about. To this day, I really don't have a clear idea.
I tried to analyze how I felt about her. And what I wanted from her. Why couldn't I control my emotions more, and channel them down the path I wanted to go, which was (I thought) to be in a relationship with a woman?
Liz apparently told her younger partner about me. It was not a happy scene, but obviously Liz's feelings for me were growing enough for her to want to warn her partner. The partner then phoned me, wanting to meet. To "talk things over." I declined. One of the things I have learned is that when a third party comes along and creates waves for a paired couple, it is rarely if ever about the third party. It's all about the couple. My response to her was basically, deal with your issues the two of you, I am not part of this relationship you have constructed for yourselves over time. Your issues are your issues, and you should be working on them. Without my help.
Wow, here they are, bickering about me, and I'm not even sure I'm cut out for any of this. Is it just that I really want and need my freedom after all?
I started feeling guilty about "leading on" my new friend. I had to work through that. I realized that I had undergone a big change in my feelings, and unfortunately I think I berated myself inside for not fully knowing why my mind was playing tricks on me like this. I wanted to back out of playing ball with a ball I myself had started to roll down the path. The fact I didn't quite know what was going on here psychologically did not necessarily imply I deliberately tried to harm Liz with my attentions.
But try and tell her that. Things got unpleasant at work. People who did not know our full story (only my immediate supervisor, the gay one, knew) were picking up vibes.
The head radiologist commented to M, my immediate boss, about how Liz really seemed to have a bug up her ass about me. She went from baffled to angry in the space of about a week too. She even called my friend J, to ask her opinion, whether to go after me or give me more space. J suggested the former. I do not know if I would have said that or not.
If I was backing away from Liz because I picked up something about her that was making me want to go, that was one thing. If it was a withdrawal due to cold feet from stuff in my own psyche, well then that was a whole other can of crawdads.
A tale for another day.
TO BE CONTINUED
Then the other shoe dropped, at least in my own mind. As the week progressed at work and I began encountering Liz in my daily tasks at the hospital, I found my mind wanting to make a complete U-turn. Was I getting cold feet? Did something happen to change my mind about my feelings for Liz? Nothing had occurred for me to feel that way, and yet I could feel a strong urge building inside me to want to get away as fast as possible. I had no idea what this was all about. To this day, I really don't have a clear idea.
I tried to analyze how I felt about her. And what I wanted from her. Why couldn't I control my emotions more, and channel them down the path I wanted to go, which was (I thought) to be in a relationship with a woman?
Liz apparently told her younger partner about me. It was not a happy scene, but obviously Liz's feelings for me were growing enough for her to want to warn her partner. The partner then phoned me, wanting to meet. To "talk things over." I declined. One of the things I have learned is that when a third party comes along and creates waves for a paired couple, it is rarely if ever about the third party. It's all about the couple. My response to her was basically, deal with your issues the two of you, I am not part of this relationship you have constructed for yourselves over time. Your issues are your issues, and you should be working on them. Without my help.
Wow, here they are, bickering about me, and I'm not even sure I'm cut out for any of this. Is it just that I really want and need my freedom after all?
I started feeling guilty about "leading on" my new friend. I had to work through that. I realized that I had undergone a big change in my feelings, and unfortunately I think I berated myself inside for not fully knowing why my mind was playing tricks on me like this. I wanted to back out of playing ball with a ball I myself had started to roll down the path. The fact I didn't quite know what was going on here psychologically did not necessarily imply I deliberately tried to harm Liz with my attentions.
But try and tell her that. Things got unpleasant at work. People who did not know our full story (only my immediate supervisor, the gay one, knew) were picking up vibes.
The head radiologist commented to M, my immediate boss, about how Liz really seemed to have a bug up her ass about me. She went from baffled to angry in the space of about a week too. She even called my friend J, to ask her opinion, whether to go after me or give me more space. J suggested the former. I do not know if I would have said that or not.
If I was backing away from Liz because I picked up something about her that was making me want to go, that was one thing. If it was a withdrawal due to cold feet from stuff in my own psyche, well then that was a whole other can of crawdads.
A tale for another day.
TO BE CONTINUED
