Thursday, July 13, 2006
Liz (Pt.3)
Looking back on this experience with Liz from the vantage point of what I know about myself today, it seems that I realized I was just not attracted to her after all.
Up until we went to bed together, I thought I was attracted. Maybe that should have read, "the unattainable." And therefore something attractive. After the weekend was over, maybe my curiosity was satisfied, and I was ready to move on. Maybe the whole thing was as simple as that. In which case I probably am something of a churl, it's the same behavior I have castigated males for over the years. Slam bam thank you and have a nice day sort of thing. Women could do that too, and maybe I was just one of those women.
Ugh. I just couldn't tell myself that at the time. I find it difficult telling myself that now. But that may simply be the truth. There are really very few women I am ever going to be physically attracted to. J in Berkeley and Ms. KAR in L.A. were the two strongest contenders for my affections that way. Liz was not.
So what drew me to her in the first place? Physically I would never go for someone like that now. Maybe a mother thing, since she was so much older than me.
My friend J gave me lots of good advice. As she saw my affair, this is how she described it: You thought you liked Liz, you tried things out for size, and then you realized you could not go there. There was nothing for me to feel guilty about.
But work was shot to hell. I did end up getting fired. We were just too uncomfortable now around each other, and she had all the power. This was well before sexual harassment issues were even being focused on in the workplace, let alone discussed. I just wanted to get away from her. I felt as if some huge iron gate had shut down in my mind. I had to get away, as if my life were in danger.
What would I do differently? Well, open and thorough communication can solve nearly everything. There should have been a lot more of that. Like my lover J did, in Berkeley. You negotiate. You talk about what you each want. Do you need to move in together? Live together? Are you going to be monogamous? What about the younger partner and her child?
Liz went back to her, as she should have. And I moved on. Chastened by that experience, and now feeling leary of women and their capacity to suck people into whatever maelstrom they have going.
Lesbian drama. It's right up there with Shakespeare in terms of dramatic intensity, I suppose. Even if it doesn't always win you an Oscar.
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Up until we went to bed together, I thought I was attracted. Maybe that should have read, "the unattainable." And therefore something attractive. After the weekend was over, maybe my curiosity was satisfied, and I was ready to move on. Maybe the whole thing was as simple as that. In which case I probably am something of a churl, it's the same behavior I have castigated males for over the years. Slam bam thank you and have a nice day sort of thing. Women could do that too, and maybe I was just one of those women.
Ugh. I just couldn't tell myself that at the time. I find it difficult telling myself that now. But that may simply be the truth. There are really very few women I am ever going to be physically attracted to. J in Berkeley and Ms. KAR in L.A. were the two strongest contenders for my affections that way. Liz was not.
So what drew me to her in the first place? Physically I would never go for someone like that now. Maybe a mother thing, since she was so much older than me.
My friend J gave me lots of good advice. As she saw my affair, this is how she described it: You thought you liked Liz, you tried things out for size, and then you realized you could not go there. There was nothing for me to feel guilty about.
But work was shot to hell. I did end up getting fired. We were just too uncomfortable now around each other, and she had all the power. This was well before sexual harassment issues were even being focused on in the workplace, let alone discussed. I just wanted to get away from her. I felt as if some huge iron gate had shut down in my mind. I had to get away, as if my life were in danger.
What would I do differently? Well, open and thorough communication can solve nearly everything. There should have been a lot more of that. Like my lover J did, in Berkeley. You negotiate. You talk about what you each want. Do you need to move in together? Live together? Are you going to be monogamous? What about the younger partner and her child?
Liz went back to her, as she should have. And I moved on. Chastened by that experience, and now feeling leary of women and their capacity to suck people into whatever maelstrom they have going.
Lesbian drama. It's right up there with Shakespeare in terms of dramatic intensity, I suppose. Even if it doesn't always win you an Oscar.
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