Thursday, August 10, 2006
Life With Dave
Today I want to explore a bit more how polyamory works between my partner Dave and I. This I will attempt to do in the context of the question, how do we fight when we fight?
We really haven't fought in any significant fashion for a while, even though Dave has been in town from working on the road since last Christmas. We have managed actually to be quite cordial for the most part during this time. Usually he goes out to work three-month gigs at a time, with occasional weekends home.
For myself, it is no problem when he goes. Much of my earlier life was pretty much spent living alone. I still like it and gravitate towards it when Dave goes. It's the little things I especially like when he's gone. Like turning on the radio at night without needing earplugs. I have somewhat insomniac habits; I like hearing voices babbling to me at night, preferably suave-sounding voices with British accents. Often I end up hearing the BBC. That can put me right out. I also love hogging the bed. I don't sleep well physically with people. Ideally I would like twin beds pushed together. He feels the same way. But we sleep together when he is home.
The other night he and I got into a good, hostile fight. Over sex, I think. But other things factored in. We were a bit stoned, and I got a bit confrontational. As I tend to when I am stoned.
The argument started actually over a tennis match I wanted to watch, and it happened to fall during Dave's beloved BBC news broadcast. As this was a week that was chocked full of potential terror threats and gummed up flights, war in Lebanon and a close Senate election in Pennsylvania, Dave wants to get the latest. Because of these same things, I want to lose myself in tennis. It is the only pure thing that seems left in life, sometimes.
So he and I started off fighting over that. He accuses me of being selfish (quite true). I say he can read the BBC online. By the time we see it on the TV, it is often hours out of date anyways. We often end up talking together over the television anyway.
Somehow we quickly segued from TV into sex. Before I knew what I was doing, I was voicing a certain anxiety I have been feeling of late. D has been saying how attracted he feels right now to men, and since he is home from the road he runs down to the Water Garden bath house here in San Jose.
Usually I am fine with Dave when he gets this way with guys. Because he is always still interested in boffing me, so I am happy. But for whatever reason lately I was not feeling so secure. Hence, this little set-to.
All sorts of strange thoughts flit through my head in vulnerable moments like this. Could our relationship evolve to a point where Dave may want to be more with men than women? Where would that leave me? Would that leave me finally in a position where I would want to find another woman? Or another man? But still have Dave? Because I always want Dave. I keep coming back to that very basic fact.
Just how many people do I need on my own personal poly train?
I get anxious in the conversation about this and start wondering outloud if I should not look for "reinforcements." What if you keep on going with this interest in guys, I say to Dave, and you just...keep on going with that. Should I be worried? Will you come back, I wonder.
That is kind of how my mind works the issue. I get emotional and anxious over sex. It's a very important issue in our lives. I like having sex. It improves my disposition a ton to get boffed on a regular basis. I love my pleasure sources and become inordinately attached to them. Any thought of my little train being disrupted puts me in somewhat considerable angst.
So, all this stuff came out. It got to be quite contentious. I kept sounding nastier, Dave got more defensive. Our roles seem to switch. I fight like the male in this situation, he gets teary-eyed. This unpleasantness lingers, and since we started this at night, it went into the night.
Into the next morning, when usually we can both climb down off our high horses, make amends, and patch things up.
The patching up part is especially important. But for me, I see it as an opportunity to clear the air. We talk over what happened, how it came about, and as we talk we can see already the storm has passed. It's good to talk this out, because you want to see the clouds recede on the horizon.
It is never good to just sweep things aside and assume everything is nice-nice. There is a lot of good work between couples that can emerge when you sort out the detritus of the battle later on.
Back to tennis, in a sense, because you are akin to a player after he's come off the court from a tough loss. He can take a shower and relax a bit, but then his coach has to sit him down and talk to him. You pick the effort apart. You want to be more on top of things next time you go out.
Dave and I try to adopt that spirit, because it is healing, it is cleansing; it is a learning experience. And once we've done this work, we can kick back and relax. It gives us both a wonderful burst of energy to carry on.
Tennis, anyone?
- - - - - - -
We really haven't fought in any significant fashion for a while, even though Dave has been in town from working on the road since last Christmas. We have managed actually to be quite cordial for the most part during this time. Usually he goes out to work three-month gigs at a time, with occasional weekends home.
For myself, it is no problem when he goes. Much of my earlier life was pretty much spent living alone. I still like it and gravitate towards it when Dave goes. It's the little things I especially like when he's gone. Like turning on the radio at night without needing earplugs. I have somewhat insomniac habits; I like hearing voices babbling to me at night, preferably suave-sounding voices with British accents. Often I end up hearing the BBC. That can put me right out. I also love hogging the bed. I don't sleep well physically with people. Ideally I would like twin beds pushed together. He feels the same way. But we sleep together when he is home.
The other night he and I got into a good, hostile fight. Over sex, I think. But other things factored in. We were a bit stoned, and I got a bit confrontational. As I tend to when I am stoned.
The argument started actually over a tennis match I wanted to watch, and it happened to fall during Dave's beloved BBC news broadcast. As this was a week that was chocked full of potential terror threats and gummed up flights, war in Lebanon and a close Senate election in Pennsylvania, Dave wants to get the latest. Because of these same things, I want to lose myself in tennis. It is the only pure thing that seems left in life, sometimes.
So he and I started off fighting over that. He accuses me of being selfish (quite true). I say he can read the BBC online. By the time we see it on the TV, it is often hours out of date anyways. We often end up talking together over the television anyway.
Somehow we quickly segued from TV into sex. Before I knew what I was doing, I was voicing a certain anxiety I have been feeling of late. D has been saying how attracted he feels right now to men, and since he is home from the road he runs down to the Water Garden bath house here in San Jose.
Usually I am fine with Dave when he gets this way with guys. Because he is always still interested in boffing me, so I am happy. But for whatever reason lately I was not feeling so secure. Hence, this little set-to.
All sorts of strange thoughts flit through my head in vulnerable moments like this. Could our relationship evolve to a point where Dave may want to be more with men than women? Where would that leave me? Would that leave me finally in a position where I would want to find another woman? Or another man? But still have Dave? Because I always want Dave. I keep coming back to that very basic fact.
Just how many people do I need on my own personal poly train?
I get anxious in the conversation about this and start wondering outloud if I should not look for "reinforcements." What if you keep on going with this interest in guys, I say to Dave, and you just...keep on going with that. Should I be worried? Will you come back, I wonder.
That is kind of how my mind works the issue. I get emotional and anxious over sex. It's a very important issue in our lives. I like having sex. It improves my disposition a ton to get boffed on a regular basis. I love my pleasure sources and become inordinately attached to them. Any thought of my little train being disrupted puts me in somewhat considerable angst.
So, all this stuff came out. It got to be quite contentious. I kept sounding nastier, Dave got more defensive. Our roles seem to switch. I fight like the male in this situation, he gets teary-eyed. This unpleasantness lingers, and since we started this at night, it went into the night.
Into the next morning, when usually we can both climb down off our high horses, make amends, and patch things up.
The patching up part is especially important. But for me, I see it as an opportunity to clear the air. We talk over what happened, how it came about, and as we talk we can see already the storm has passed. It's good to talk this out, because you want to see the clouds recede on the horizon.
It is never good to just sweep things aside and assume everything is nice-nice. There is a lot of good work between couples that can emerge when you sort out the detritus of the battle later on.
Back to tennis, in a sense, because you are akin to a player after he's come off the court from a tough loss. He can take a shower and relax a bit, but then his coach has to sit him down and talk to him. You pick the effort apart. You want to be more on top of things next time you go out.
Dave and I try to adopt that spirit, because it is healing, it is cleansing; it is a learning experience. And once we've done this work, we can kick back and relax. It gives us both a wonderful burst of energy to carry on.
Tennis, anyone?
- - - - - - -
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Hi there, I think this post was interesting. It takes a lot of guts for most people to admit even the slightest insecurity, and you are brave to do it.
http://veryinsatiable.blogspot.com/
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