Monday, August 28, 2006
Sans Degree, Sans Wife
Apparently life in the good old US of A is going to continue to be tough for men. For instance. A lengthy NY Times article from August 6, 2006, entitled "Facing Middle Age With No Degree, And No Wife," reports on a growing trend in this country. (The link unfortunately only takes you to a Times' article that you have to pay for). For men nearing middle age, roughly from 40-44, over 18% of them will never marry if they don't get college degrees.
These men are still single, and likely to stay that way. The reasons for this are complex and probably more numerous than the Times' story detailed. But in broad terms they looked at the fact that women are now quite independent in many ways from men, not the least of which is economic independence.
Reproductive biology has also made it possible for women to live lives that can be totally removed from significant male others, if they so choose. Single mothers are a pretty common norm nowadays.
So, from the women's standpoint, there is not such a big rush to get married. From the men's standpoint, there are also many reasons to stay single. Everyone is catching on to the fact that, in spite of how we like to trumpet the clarion call of happy marriages, not everyone out there is happy being married. People feel they don't have to do it anymore to be a decent, Godfearing person. Single can be good.
People are also not marrying because shacking up is proving quite satisfactory in many cases. A lot of men and women are choosing just to avoid the fray of marriage altogether.
I for instance have never really seriously considered getting married in my life, even to Dave, who I have been with over 15 years now. Mostly because I so enjoy using the phrase, "We choose to live in sin" with people. The reaction I should add is nearly always highly positive. I know I am with him because I want to be with him, not because I have some stamped piece of paper saying I am yours and you are mine. The prospect of having a lovely white wedding and walking down the aisle never ever appealed to this broad.
I am not alone.
But what the Times' article unfortunately did not go into was the simple reason that people in general are not marrying so much. Let alone those single guys who aren't college-educated.
They are not marrying because they cannot hook up with other people. It is a real problem in our society. Sure, we have our independence, economic and social, we are free to come and go and do pretty much what we want. But we can't hook up.
Look at how we live these days. Who has time for much of anything? We love to work like dogs to keep running with the Joneses, we love our computers, the Internet, the things we find there. Including some rather nice porn.
Who needs to go out? Well, we do, especially if we would like to meet some new swimmers in our local pool of available sex partners. But our life habits are taking us further and further away from opportunities - which used to be quite plentiful, I can even remember them - for basic, decent human interaction.
It just doesn't happen that easily anymore, or all that much. Whether you have a degree or not. Whether you are an ugly puss of a guy or a Brad Pitt type. It just is not that easy anymore.
Not that guys should rush out to college in new droves, with the idea of finding a bride. They are not. In fact, college itself is turning into a province of the female. They stay in school in greater numbers and graduate more easily than do males.
There are still reasons why everyone, including males, should probably consider some college, at least. Whether you snag a woman or a man or not. College is still a finishing school of sorts, you learn more social as well as intellectual interaction with your peers. That is a good thing.
If nothing else college will offer ideas on how to use your leisure time. To do things other than just hanging out with a few beers and a few boys on a Saturday night.
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These men are still single, and likely to stay that way. The reasons for this are complex and probably more numerous than the Times' story detailed. But in broad terms they looked at the fact that women are now quite independent in many ways from men, not the least of which is economic independence.
Reproductive biology has also made it possible for women to live lives that can be totally removed from significant male others, if they so choose. Single mothers are a pretty common norm nowadays.
So, from the women's standpoint, there is not such a big rush to get married. From the men's standpoint, there are also many reasons to stay single. Everyone is catching on to the fact that, in spite of how we like to trumpet the clarion call of happy marriages, not everyone out there is happy being married. People feel they don't have to do it anymore to be a decent, Godfearing person. Single can be good.
People are also not marrying because shacking up is proving quite satisfactory in many cases. A lot of men and women are choosing just to avoid the fray of marriage altogether.
I for instance have never really seriously considered getting married in my life, even to Dave, who I have been with over 15 years now. Mostly because I so enjoy using the phrase, "We choose to live in sin" with people. The reaction I should add is nearly always highly positive. I know I am with him because I want to be with him, not because I have some stamped piece of paper saying I am yours and you are mine. The prospect of having a lovely white wedding and walking down the aisle never ever appealed to this broad.
I am not alone.
But what the Times' article unfortunately did not go into was the simple reason that people in general are not marrying so much. Let alone those single guys who aren't college-educated.
They are not marrying because they cannot hook up with other people. It is a real problem in our society. Sure, we have our independence, economic and social, we are free to come and go and do pretty much what we want. But we can't hook up.
Look at how we live these days. Who has time for much of anything? We love to work like dogs to keep running with the Joneses, we love our computers, the Internet, the things we find there. Including some rather nice porn.
Who needs to go out? Well, we do, especially if we would like to meet some new swimmers in our local pool of available sex partners. But our life habits are taking us further and further away from opportunities - which used to be quite plentiful, I can even remember them - for basic, decent human interaction.
It just doesn't happen that easily anymore, or all that much. Whether you have a degree or not. Whether you are an ugly puss of a guy or a Brad Pitt type. It just is not that easy anymore.
Not that guys should rush out to college in new droves, with the idea of finding a bride. They are not. In fact, college itself is turning into a province of the female. They stay in school in greater numbers and graduate more easily than do males.
There are still reasons why everyone, including males, should probably consider some college, at least. Whether you snag a woman or a man or not. College is still a finishing school of sorts, you learn more social as well as intellectual interaction with your peers. That is a good thing.
If nothing else college will offer ideas on how to use your leisure time. To do things other than just hanging out with a few beers and a few boys on a Saturday night.
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Comments:
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Someone wrote a book a few years ago about the death of the bowling league as a sign of the death of public communal life. People like us used to make fun of square clubs like the Rotarians, but these groups kept society social. As for love and marriage, read Laura Kipnis "Against Love: a Polemic."
My friends who are past 40 and unmarried have a terrible time because everyone appropriate is as broken as they are, not bad, just broken in places, and people are afraid to meet at their broken places. Long standing couples, married or not, live with tensions that most other can't handle. Mercy and forgiveness and trust. These are not easy qualities.
My friends who are past 40 and unmarried have a terrible time because everyone appropriate is as broken as they are, not bad, just broken in places, and people are afraid to meet at their broken places. Long standing couples, married or not, live with tensions that most other can't handle. Mercy and forgiveness and trust. These are not easy qualities.
# posted by 
: 11:21 AM
: 11:21 AM
Oi, what a mouthful you said! I love the bowling league idea, but I did not realize people are not bowling as much anymore. I can see the chances for social interaction there would be great, albeit a bit lower working class. Check out the film "Five Easy Pieces." Am I being a snob? Probably. Maybe poker is making big inroads now, but can we say that is as social a thing as bowling? It seems a tense and uptight situation where people are your competitors, so maybe that would not work.
I think people are not hooking up because it takes a fair amount of having free time to do this dating stuff. And if people have any free time these days at all, don't they tend to want to be by themselves? We also need time alone, and I don't see we are getting enough quality time for that. Let alone for others of the human race.
Something has got to give. Are you ready to live a calmer, quieter, more social life where maybe you don't work like a dog and have more free time for your social activities? Are you ready to make less money but have more hours? Many of us just don't have the luxury to make that choice these days.
But I wish we did!
Thanks for the link to Laura Kipnis, I will hunt it up.
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I think people are not hooking up because it takes a fair amount of having free time to do this dating stuff. And if people have any free time these days at all, don't they tend to want to be by themselves? We also need time alone, and I don't see we are getting enough quality time for that. Let alone for others of the human race.
Something has got to give. Are you ready to live a calmer, quieter, more social life where maybe you don't work like a dog and have more free time for your social activities? Are you ready to make less money but have more hours? Many of us just don't have the luxury to make that choice these days.
But I wish we did!
Thanks for the link to Laura Kipnis, I will hunt it up.
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