Monday, September 04, 2006
The Dark Side Of Polyamory (Pt.1)
Polyamorous relationships are not always the ideal way for everyone. Even though my partner Dave and I seem pretty well-suited to this lifestyle, I do not assume that is true for everyone. Take for instance our friend M, who wants very much to be in polyamorous situations, but when she encounters them they have ended up rather disastrously.
M is late forties, Jewish, about 5'3" 140 pounds, with long thick salt and pepper hair. Her mom died and left her with a shitload of money and a house in Santa Cruz, so she does not need to work. She has time for community projects. Unfortunately though, the community is not always ready to deal with someone as out there as M is.
She identifies as bisexual, and polyamorous, has never been married or had children. Currently she seems to spend more time looking for suitable males than females. After all, we all know how hard it is to get women into bed. Much better to pursue men when you want sex.
Recently M was involved in a steering committee that was interested in raising the minimum wage in Santa Cruz County. M ran afoul of the woman who seemed to be in charge of the committee. I could not quite pull all the details out of her, but suffice to say that whatever M did to the woman, it pressed a lot of buttons.
The woman fired M from the committee, and refused to even engage in further conversation about her dismissal. What was the reason given? Well, apparently the woman felt M was sexually harassing her.
This is a serious charge. The sort of charge that can lead to trouble with the law. Clearly, whatever happened, it happened in such a convincing way that the woman wanted nothing further to do with M.
What do I think really happened? It's a personality thing going on here. M is really forward with people, she comes on very strong. I don't mean to imply she is a stalker personality, but her sense of boundaries is not always impeccable. This causes problems.
"I know my boundaries," M remarked to me once. I thought about that, and realized it was the truth. But M knows boundaries because, unfortunately, she seems to always be testing them.
She comes on way to strong for many people, and I think the woman on the committee was feeling cornered by M, and she reacted.
I met M nearly two years ago, on a women's hiking group here in the south bay. My first impressions were that she was a strong, capable woman with a good head on her shoulders.
That impression has been shifting gradually ever since. I thought I had made a new friend but was feeling pretty casual about how often we had to meet. M seemed to want a lot more of my company than I had intended to give her. So I probably sent the wrong messages myself to M. She seemed very needy at times, and talked a lot about needing the support of other people. I tried to offer that.
But M grew so assertive. When I joined Dave for a Memorial Day Weekend in New York City, M made a request of us. She wanted us to bring her a gift from our trip. I was more than a little surprised by her brazenness. I would never ask anyone to bring me back a gift from their trip. The thought would never even occur to me. But it did to M. We obliged her.
More and more M has insinuated her way into our lives. It would be different if she could be cooler about our relationship. But her sense of neediness seems so great that it spills out into all of our social interactions.
I am feeling very guarded about her now. How to proceed from here?
TO BE CONTINUED
M is late forties, Jewish, about 5'3" 140 pounds, with long thick salt and pepper hair. Her mom died and left her with a shitload of money and a house in Santa Cruz, so she does not need to work. She has time for community projects. Unfortunately though, the community is not always ready to deal with someone as out there as M is.
She identifies as bisexual, and polyamorous, has never been married or had children. Currently she seems to spend more time looking for suitable males than females. After all, we all know how hard it is to get women into bed. Much better to pursue men when you want sex.
Recently M was involved in a steering committee that was interested in raising the minimum wage in Santa Cruz County. M ran afoul of the woman who seemed to be in charge of the committee. I could not quite pull all the details out of her, but suffice to say that whatever M did to the woman, it pressed a lot of buttons.
The woman fired M from the committee, and refused to even engage in further conversation about her dismissal. What was the reason given? Well, apparently the woman felt M was sexually harassing her.
This is a serious charge. The sort of charge that can lead to trouble with the law. Clearly, whatever happened, it happened in such a convincing way that the woman wanted nothing further to do with M.
What do I think really happened? It's a personality thing going on here. M is really forward with people, she comes on very strong. I don't mean to imply she is a stalker personality, but her sense of boundaries is not always impeccable. This causes problems.
"I know my boundaries," M remarked to me once. I thought about that, and realized it was the truth. But M knows boundaries because, unfortunately, she seems to always be testing them.
She comes on way to strong for many people, and I think the woman on the committee was feeling cornered by M, and she reacted.
I met M nearly two years ago, on a women's hiking group here in the south bay. My first impressions were that she was a strong, capable woman with a good head on her shoulders.
That impression has been shifting gradually ever since. I thought I had made a new friend but was feeling pretty casual about how often we had to meet. M seemed to want a lot more of my company than I had intended to give her. So I probably sent the wrong messages myself to M. She seemed very needy at times, and talked a lot about needing the support of other people. I tried to offer that.
But M grew so assertive. When I joined Dave for a Memorial Day Weekend in New York City, M made a request of us. She wanted us to bring her a gift from our trip. I was more than a little surprised by her brazenness. I would never ask anyone to bring me back a gift from their trip. The thought would never even occur to me. But it did to M. We obliged her.
More and more M has insinuated her way into our lives. It would be different if she could be cooler about our relationship. But her sense of neediness seems so great that it spills out into all of our social interactions.
I am feeling very guarded about her now. How to proceed from here?
TO BE CONTINUED
