Friday, September 08, 2006
The Dark Side Of Polyamory (Pt.2)
When I first met my friend M she was embroiled with a male friend and a female one. Actually, she began with the female, and along the way they brought in the male counterpart. The results here did not go well. The male and female gravitated together, and M was out in the cold.
Trouble ensued, there was a nasty falling out among all concerned. Restraining orders were taken out and the fur began to fly. I was one of several friends who accompanied M to court. Yes, polyamory can end up in the courthouses of America. Just so you know what you're getting into(!)
I was happy to lend my moral support to M, but the whole episode left me scratching my head. Her ex male friend was an east coaster, from a well-to-do family apparently but he was coasting along on a knife's edge. He liked his drugs, serious drugs, and with his habit he needed to constantly be in touch with people he could mooch off. This is where M came in.
When I asked what she saw in the guy, she replied he was "charismatic." I guess charisma still goes a long way in life. I like charisma too. But unfortunately the word has come, in my frame of reference, to mean "trouble." As in "drama." Sometimes I think this is why I am so attracted to Swedish men, among other Scandinavian types. They are considered boring by many women, even some Swedish women. But I find boring may get you farther than charisma.
M should have realized earlier on that her male friend was out to wring whatever he could from her. Meanwhile, the ex-girlfriend was siding with him against M.
One day in the rain M and I drove the girlfriend's bicycle over to where she was staying, and M proceeded to dump it in the gutter in front of the house.
Oi. I have never had nasty break-ups with exs, so this was quite an eye-opener. But who needs it.
M says to me, "I don't want you to think that I have drama like this all the time in my life, because I don't." But after knowing her for about two years now, there seems to be nothing but drama going on around her.
This tends to make me cautious. Is polyamory at fault here? The ex-girlfriend made a squeak to M about "you see what your polyamorous stuff leads to" sort of thing.
I try to see the whole forest in all this, and not just a tree or two. Or three in this case. Polyamory is neither good nor bad. The people involved are what make it so. And in this case, the personalities involved were just not destined to be harmonious. In this lifetime or any other.
M finally got over him, and her. But these are costly battles. I hate to see good people have to go through them, but in this case, for M, it was something she had to work through and she finally did.
TO BE CONTINUED
Trouble ensued, there was a nasty falling out among all concerned. Restraining orders were taken out and the fur began to fly. I was one of several friends who accompanied M to court. Yes, polyamory can end up in the courthouses of America. Just so you know what you're getting into(!)
I was happy to lend my moral support to M, but the whole episode left me scratching my head. Her ex male friend was an east coaster, from a well-to-do family apparently but he was coasting along on a knife's edge. He liked his drugs, serious drugs, and with his habit he needed to constantly be in touch with people he could mooch off. This is where M came in.
When I asked what she saw in the guy, she replied he was "charismatic." I guess charisma still goes a long way in life. I like charisma too. But unfortunately the word has come, in my frame of reference, to mean "trouble." As in "drama." Sometimes I think this is why I am so attracted to Swedish men, among other Scandinavian types. They are considered boring by many women, even some Swedish women. But I find boring may get you farther than charisma.
M should have realized earlier on that her male friend was out to wring whatever he could from her. Meanwhile, the ex-girlfriend was siding with him against M.
One day in the rain M and I drove the girlfriend's bicycle over to where she was staying, and M proceeded to dump it in the gutter in front of the house.
Oi. I have never had nasty break-ups with exs, so this was quite an eye-opener. But who needs it.
M says to me, "I don't want you to think that I have drama like this all the time in my life, because I don't." But after knowing her for about two years now, there seems to be nothing but drama going on around her.
This tends to make me cautious. Is polyamory at fault here? The ex-girlfriend made a squeak to M about "you see what your polyamorous stuff leads to" sort of thing.
I try to see the whole forest in all this, and not just a tree or two. Or three in this case. Polyamory is neither good nor bad. The people involved are what make it so. And in this case, the personalities involved were just not destined to be harmonious. In this lifetime or any other.
M finally got over him, and her. But these are costly battles. I hate to see good people have to go through them, but in this case, for M, it was something she had to work through and she finally did.
TO BE CONTINUED
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Poly has the potential for incredible joy and bottomless heartache. No movement is going to solve the problems of the human heart, not tame the destructive forces that have ruined relationships since Adam and Eve. We still are alone in the night with ourselves, even if there's someone (or someones) sleeping in the bed with us.
Thanks for saying that, very well expressed. Don't know if it's as much about the human heart in general so much as the particular personalities that are brought to bear on these situations. But we love our little idiosyncrasies, don't we? Still, whatever the fallout, I think the basic idea of polyamory is a sound one. It can speak to us intellectually as being an appropriate lifestyle, as well as from satisfying many emotional needs we have. We can't blame the cow, as it were, because we aren't skillful enough to know how to milk her.
Is this a bit of barnyard wisdom or what? Geez, guess this is what comes from spending the past week at 9,000 feet savoring the glories of nature, critters and the like.
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Is this a bit of barnyard wisdom or what? Geez, guess this is what comes from spending the past week at 9,000 feet savoring the glories of nature, critters and the like.
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