Monday, September 18, 2006
The Dark Side Of Polyamory (Pt.3)
At this point in time my friend M seems more inclined towards answering men's personal ads; she seems to have given up on the women. Haven't we all. She finds, as so many of us bisexual women do, that things just work out easier with men.
Towards Dave, M seems to harbor odd feelings. I think part of her feels attracted, but whether it is to him specifically, or to me because we are attached, I cannot say. Her vibes are strong and we can feel them, but they seem to go in many directions.
I think it is more a matter that M is attracted to the idea of us as a couple. After all, from what I can see, we are something of a port of safety in stormy seas of sexual relationships. We've been together a while, and we seem able to separate and go off our own paths for a bit, and then reunite without problems or repercussions. People who are interested in polyamorous relationships wonder how we do it.
The answer is we try not to make a big deal out of it. I think sometimes M wants the theoretical to meet the practical, and I don't know if polyamory can be fitted into too many preconceptions. We are also fortunate in that both Dave and I are both equally bisexual. That helps. We feel no need to get bent out of shape over his bath house adventures, or her dating adventures online with other women.
Would you rather live in a social experiment or be just an average person trying to establish relationships? One at a time even?
M seems to want it all. At least she aimed high. But what M needs to look at is how her own personality gets in the way of what she is going after. She comes on very strong, and I think we are not the first people to fall back into a protective mode when we are with her.
For Dave, M reminds him a lot of his mother, at least in her behavior towards him. He finds her increasingly hard to deal with. His intention was to simply enjoy her as a friend and an occasional pot connection.
In some ways, we could say Dave and I are really not that polyamorous. He does not take after other women. I do not really go after other men. This is our little quirk I suppose, that makes all things tolerable. It would be interesting to see someone come along and challenge that situation.
- - - - -
Towards Dave, M seems to harbor odd feelings. I think part of her feels attracted, but whether it is to him specifically, or to me because we are attached, I cannot say. Her vibes are strong and we can feel them, but they seem to go in many directions.
I think it is more a matter that M is attracted to the idea of us as a couple. After all, from what I can see, we are something of a port of safety in stormy seas of sexual relationships. We've been together a while, and we seem able to separate and go off our own paths for a bit, and then reunite without problems or repercussions. People who are interested in polyamorous relationships wonder how we do it.
The answer is we try not to make a big deal out of it. I think sometimes M wants the theoretical to meet the practical, and I don't know if polyamory can be fitted into too many preconceptions. We are also fortunate in that both Dave and I are both equally bisexual. That helps. We feel no need to get bent out of shape over his bath house adventures, or her dating adventures online with other women.
Would you rather live in a social experiment or be just an average person trying to establish relationships? One at a time even?
M seems to want it all. At least she aimed high. But what M needs to look at is how her own personality gets in the way of what she is going after. She comes on very strong, and I think we are not the first people to fall back into a protective mode when we are with her.
For Dave, M reminds him a lot of his mother, at least in her behavior towards him. He finds her increasingly hard to deal with. His intention was to simply enjoy her as a friend and an occasional pot connection.
In some ways, we could say Dave and I are really not that polyamorous. He does not take after other women. I do not really go after other men. This is our little quirk I suppose, that makes all things tolerable. It would be interesting to see someone come along and challenge that situation.
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Comments:
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The problem with three-way connections is that it's almost impossible to have equal attraction, much less "love" or whatever between three people. This then puts tension on the relationships, often fracturing the whole thing. In the end, you and M. may break up because of the tension with your man.
As to your being poly or not, it seems to me that polyamory should not require you to have steady outside relationships; again, we should relax and enjoy the ride, not worry about definitions. The polys spend hours and hours hashing out what is and is not "poly" on their various discussion boards.
It's a shame we all can't just relax and enjoy the ride, but I know myself how hard that can be. We want what we want.
As to your being poly or not, it seems to me that polyamory should not require you to have steady outside relationships; again, we should relax and enjoy the ride, not worry about definitions. The polys spend hours and hours hashing out what is and is not "poly" on their various discussion boards.
It's a shame we all can't just relax and enjoy the ride, but I know myself how hard that can be. We want what we want.
You are correct in how a triad is inherently unequal. But isn't that the beauty of it? I would not want to screw it up with my own obnoxious expectations. As long as the trio can each contribute their own particular energy, and as long as everyone is ok with the broad outlines of the relationship, I think the details can be left dangling in the wind a bit. That can be worked out later. And sometimes you have to figure on little shifts going on over time, so that it will never stay the same. For most people this is way too much fluidity, I suppose. But it certainly appeals to me.
Actually M and I are not involved except as friends, so that problem you referred to would actually not occur. He's a big boy anyway and I tell him he has to take care of himself.
I agree that one could simply be poly as a state of being; you don't have to act it out all the time. Just because I say I might be poly inclined does not mean I have time, energy or inclination to run out and do the world.
A lovely thought, of course! But not a requirement.
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Actually M and I are not involved except as friends, so that problem you referred to would actually not occur. He's a big boy anyway and I tell him he has to take care of himself.
I agree that one could simply be poly as a state of being; you don't have to act it out all the time. Just because I say I might be poly inclined does not mean I have time, energy or inclination to run out and do the world.
A lovely thought, of course! But not a requirement.
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